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你为什么成为父母?你的答案可以帮助你成为更好的父母。

Why did you become a parent? Your answer could help you be a better one
你为什么成为父母?你的答案可以帮助你成为更好的父母。
1231字
2019-09-24 07:01
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你为什么成为父母?你的答案可以帮助你成为更好的父母。

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内容要点

  • Beyond evolutionary and societal drives, personal ones lead people to make other people
  • Knowing why you became a parent can give you the insight to improve your parenting
  • 除进化和社会因素驱动外,个人因素也会引发生育行为
  • 了解您成为父母的原因可以帮助您更好地养育小孩

This essay is part of a column called The Wisdom Project by David Allan, editorial director of CNN Health and Wellness. The series is on applying to one's life the wisdom and philosophy found everywhere, from ancient texts to pop culture. You can follow David at @davidgallan. Don't miss another Wisdom Project column; subscribe here.

本文是美国有线电视新闻网健康与健康编辑部主任大卫艾伦的“智慧项目 ”专栏的一部分。该系列文章讲述了从生活中随处可见的智慧与哲学,从古老故事到流行文化。您可以关注David的账号@davidgallan。不要错过另一个相似专栏; 点击这里订阅

(CNN)Have you ever asked yourself why you wanted (or want) to have children?

(CNN)您有没有问过自己曾经(或现在)为什么想要生孩子?

Those who wrestled with the decision or struggled to conceive a child have probably thought about it a good deal. And some have always known the answer, maybe since they were kids themselves.

那些纠结是否要孩子或者拼命想要一个孩子的人可能已经思考这个问题许久了。他们中有些人心中已有答案,也许因为他们自己就是孩子。

But for many parents and would-be parents, the question may seem odd or elementary -- which makes it a great question to tackle.

但对于许多父母和准父母来说,这个问题可能有些奇怪或过于基础 —— 正验证了这是一个很典型的需要解决的问题。

One answer is that we, as a species, harbor an evolutionary drive to propagate. Our small part -- at its most basic, perhaps unconscious and even (by design) pleasurable level -- is to carry on our DNA to the next generation. If enough of us do that (and we avoid destroying the planet), human beings will thrive.

一个答案是,作为一个物种,进化是繁殖的驱动力。我们的任务 —— 在最基本的,也许是本能的,甚至(有意的)愉悦的层面 -——是将我们的DNA传到下一代。如果足够多的人类繁育(并且在地球不被我们摧毁的情况下),人类将会繁荣兴旺。

Another answer is simply social and cultural norms. The majority of the people you know, and most of those you don't, are doing it. This is why people who don't have kids often have an answer to "Why?" at the ready: because everyone asks them. Rarely, though, are parents asked what motivated them to have kids. There's little need to explain behavior that is typical and expected.

另一个答案则是简单地归结于社会文化规范。大多数你认识或不认识的人都有要孩子的打算。这就是为什么没有孩子要经常准备好回答“为什么不要孩子?”这样的问题:因为大家总要问。但是,很少有父母问他们生孩子的动机是什么。似乎没有什么必要去一种解释典型普遍且符合预期的行为。

But even with evolutionary hardwiring and societal peer pressure as part of the equation, that usually doesn't fully explain the unique, individual drives that lead people to want to make other people.

但即使有进化需要和来自其他社会成员压力作为一部分原因,通常也无法完全解释导致人类为什么想制造后代,这是独特的个体因素。

Whatever your reason, it says something important about you and about the kind of parent you are or hope to be. I think it's worth exploring.

无论你的理由是什么,都能说明一些关于你的情况,以及你是怎样的或者希望成为怎样的的父母。我认为这值得深究。

You are the parenting expert you've been looking for

您自己就是您一直在寻找的育儿专家。

Why did you decide to have children? Why do you want one, or a second or third? What is it about your personal desires, history, influences and beliefs that led to such a major life decision? Why spend so much time and money, and take on all that additional stress, anxiety and responsibility?

你为什么决定生孩子?为什么想生一个,或生二胎或三胎?你的个人欲望,经历,受到的影响,你的信仰,是什么影响你做出这样的重大人生决定?为什么要花这么多时间和金钱,并承担所有随z而来的压力,焦虑和责任?

Knowing why you got into this game can give you the insight needed to play it to the best of your ability. You are your own best guide to navigating the million and one parenting questions, conundrums and choices you will face from here on out.

搞明白你参与这个“游戏”的理由,就为你自己了解了必要的信息,才好发挥最大的能力。你是自己最好的向导,引导你从现在开始去面对成千上万的育儿难题,进行选择,寻求正确的解决方法。

Historically, people have had children out of economic necessity, to work the farm, for example. Conversely, children can be symbols of prosperity. They can be a reflection of yourself or a vessel for your own wishes and goals. Or parenting can be a noble act of sacrifice for the greater good.

从历史上看,人们生育是出于经济需要,例如为了经营农场。而孩子也反过来成为成功的象征。他们是您的映像,承载着您自身的目标与希冀。又或许为人父母是为了更大的利益而作出的一种崇高牺牲。

Pete Seeger is credited with this sweet answer: "We do it for the high wages ... kisses."

皮特·西格(Pete Seeger)对这个甜蜜的回答很有信心:“我们这样做是为了一种高报酬......那就是亲吻。”

When I asked friends and family this question, it was interesting to see how some knew their answers right away while others stared off in the distance with a puzzled look on their faces, as if they'd never pondered it before.

当我问及朋友和家人时,有趣的现象发生了。有些人立刻就有答案,而另一些人则满脸疑惑地看向远方,就好像他们以前从未真正思考过这个问题一样。

Here's a taste:

感受一下这些回答:

  • Re-create my own childhood joys
  • Grow and share familial love
  • Make myself a better person
  • Start my own family after being on my own for a long time
  • Add to a greater sense of life's purpose
  • Fit in and meet society's expectations
  • Because kids are fun to hang out with and talk to
  • Help make the world a better place
  • Be a better parent than I had
  • A spiritual call to action
  • Repay what I owe my parents
  • Give in to a biological urge
  • Cultivate a strong relationship with my kids so they remain a part of my life after they move out
  • 重新创造童年的快乐
  • 成长并享受家庭之爱
  • 让自己成为更好的人
  • 长时间独立后开始组建自己的家
  • 让生活更有目标感
  • 适应并满足社会的期望
  • 因为和孩子们聊天玩耍很有趣
  • 让世界更美好
  • 成为比从前更好的父母
  • 心动不如行动
  • 报答父母
  • 屈服于生物性冲动
  • 与我的孩子建立牢固的关系,他们独立生活后仍然是我生命的一部分

My wife had her answer at the ready: "I wanted to feel the intense love a parent has for a child." It's a desire she's had since she was a young girl.

我的妻子早有答案:“我想感受父母对孩子的强烈爱。”打从她还是个小女孩就有这样的愿望了。

As I began to tell her my reason, I saw a nervous look on her face.

当我开始向她讲述我的理由时,她神情紧张。

"I feel like we should have had this conversation before we had kids," she said, cutting me off. "What if I don't think your answer is a good one?"

听我的答案时她忍不住插嘴道:“我觉得我们本该在生孩子之前就进行这次对话,要是我不满意你的答案那怎么办?”

"Too late," I said.

“已经太迟啦”,我回答。

My reasoning lies in the high premium I put on experience: travel. Film. Reading. Writing. Storytelling. Humor. Food and drink (more drink than food). Spirituality. Nature.

我的理由很大程度上基于我的经验而来:旅行、电影、阅读、写作、评书、幽默感、吃的喝的(更多是喝的)、精神性、本性。

Being a parent is a unique experience. I am aware of the missed adventures and career options I might have pursued were it not for my two daughters. But still, being their father comes out far ahead.

为人父母是一项独一无二的体验。如果不是因为我的两个女儿,我或许会有更高的职业追求,有更精彩的冒险。不过,作为父亲,我仍遥遥领先于她们。

I also hubristically thought I'd be very good at parenting. There's a part of me that wanted to improve upon my own upbringing. Since I was a kid, I'd been convinced I would be an amazing father.

我还自认很擅长养儿育女,想着要改善孩子们的成长环境。我从小时候就相信自己会成为一个了不起的父亲。

That was, of course, before I became one. Parenting, it turns out, is humbling in the way it exposes your insecurities and personality flaws. I'm getting better, and I try to live up to that potential, but I routinely fall short -- which every parent can relate to.

当然,那是在我真正成为一个父亲之前。事实证明,为人父母会使你的不安全感和人格缺陷纷纷暴露,这真是令人羞愧。我努力变好,挖掘自己的潜力,但总是达不到要求——我相信每个家长都有这种体会。

Put your answer to good use

合理利用你的答案

"Mindful parenting" is one of the most enlightened trends in the history of parenting techniques. It's about being present with your children but also better understanding your motivations and feelings while parenting. Getting in touch with your motivation for becoming a parent gives you a perspective too often lacking at difficult parenting moments.

“正念养育”是养育技术史上最开明的趋势之一。这是关于与您的孩子在一起,但也更好地了解您的孩子的动机和感受。与您成为父母的动机保持联系会给您一个往往缺乏困难育儿时刻的视角。

My answer, about wanting these unique and varied parenting experiences, has helped me embrace a wider spectrum of them. It's easy to revel in a bear hug or a shared laugh, but I'm extending that love of experience for more challenging moments, such getting screamed at in the middle of a bath time.Staying present and connected to whatever is going on when I'm with my daughters gives them more of the attention they need from me and makes meaningful moments more frequent and poignant.

我对想要这些独特而多样的育儿经历的回答,帮助我接受了更多的经历。拥抱或笑容很容易做到,但我将体验之爱延伸到更具挑战性的时刻上,例如在洗澡期间中的尖叫。和我的女儿在一起给了我更多的注意力,使得有意义的时刻变得更加频繁和痛苦。

Your own answer to the question is something of a parental compass needle too, pointing the way when you are unsure how to parent in a given situation.

您对于问题的回答也像是父母的罗盘针,当你不确定如何在给定的情况下进行抚养的时候,会为你指明方向。

Get back to the roots of your parenting motivation. It could impact how you respond to frustrating moments, how you spend your weekends, what behavior you model and how you talk to your children about life.

重温你做父母的动机。它可能会影响你如何应对令人沮丧的时刻,如何度过周末,如何模仿行为以及如何与孩子谈论生活。

New CNN Parenting column: Go Ask Your Dad

新的CNN育儿专栏:快问爸爸

This column, The Wisdom Project , is getting a spinoff series called Go Ask Your Dad, about parenting wisdom. There is no shortage of parenting advice out there -- professional, familial, terrible -- but there is not enough that looks beyond the new trend or list of tips to get at what we want out of life for ourselves and our children.

在“智慧项目”这一专栏,您获得有关育儿智慧的衍生系列,名为《快问爸爸》。专业,家庭,可怕的育儿建议不乏其人,但除了新趋势或秘诀清单之外,没有什么其他东西足以让我们了解自己想要的东西和我们的孩子。

Go Ask Your Dad will explore useful paradigms and best parenting practices that will help you think of old problems in new ways or new problems previous generations didn't face. And for free, I'll throw in social science research, personal anecdotes and too many metaphors.

《快问爸爸》会探索有用的范例和最佳养育方式,以帮助您以新的方式思考旧问题或前几代人未曾面临的新问题。而且,我将免费提供社会科学研究,个人轶事和太多的隐喻。

We all need guideposts through this (at times, uncharted) desert, so that we know we're on the right path.

我们所有人都需要在这个(有时是未知)沙漠中的路标,以便我们知道自己走在正确的道路上。

Start with the question of why you headed out on the path in the first place. The answer to why you became a parent will help you more clearly draw your map.

首先要问为什么要首先走上这条路。对于为什么你成为父母的回答将帮助您更清楚地绘制地图。

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